“Our nature is to love, but love is the only vessel that can carry grief and these experiences are inextricable from the human experience. They can never be separated. To love is to lose, but to never love is worse.”
Kelli’s Story
Kelli Alison McConnell was a magnificent, multi-faceted woman, full of boundless love, endless laughs, and spiritual wisdom. Born October 27, 1982, Kelli spent most of her adolescent years in her hometown of Marietta, Georgia. Growing up with two younger sisters, she led by example guiding them to be strong, free-willed, and fiercely loving women. As a daughter she was wise beyond her years and compassionate towards others, always tending to people's hearts and souls.
Known for her piercing blue eyes, bouncy curls, silly disposition, and zany humor; Kelli made fast friends with anyone lucky enough to cross her path. After attending the University of Georgia, she followed the call of her free spirit and took the world in her hands: spending time as an Au Pair in France, hang-gliding at Lookout Mountain, farming in Hawaii, yachting in Alaska, event planning in Seattle and sprinkling many other adventures in-between. Through her endless seeking, she cultivated unforgettable relationships and discovered her passion to heal.
No matter where her travels took her, Kelli’s heart always found its way back to Athens, Georgia where she allowed her many restorative practices to take root. Her healing power has taken many forms: helping people find clarity through her Tarot readings, practicing Reiki to re-align the energy for those in need, and teaching the beauty of spirituality to those around her. Whether it was softness or tough love, Kelli really saw people and knew what to bring to the table each time. Kelli took every opportunity to build people up, supporting them in the ways they needed; in ways others often failed to notice. Complimenting and celebrating those around her at every victory or pulling them in under her wing in their darkest hour. She never abandoned those in need and always put them before herself. Her giving spirit never failed to amaze those in her presence.
Kelli's empathy knew no bounds and enabled her to connect deeply with people from all walks of life. She poured her passion into her role as the Director of Religious Exploration at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Athens, embracing every opportunity to spread joy and light across the congregation. No matter what, she was so authentically herself: her deeply loving self, her wild hair self, her sassy big sister self, her powerful healer self, her humble praying self.
Music provided the perfect backdrop to every moment and often served as a binding force in her relationships. Music was and is the sonic representation of Kelli’s infinite love. Everyone has a song that reminds them of Kelli, and each time that song is heard, we’ll be taken back to those special moments we shared with her.
As Kelli so thoughtfully stated in a CaringBridge post, “Our nature is to love, but love is the only vessel that can carry grief and these experiences are inextricable from the human experience. They can never be separated. To love is to lose, but to never love is worse.”
Kelli is survived by her beloved partner, Jason Huffer, her mother, Sheila McConnell, her father, Robert McConnell, and sisters, Kenna McConnell and Natalie Crosby, brother-in-laws Logan Todd and Taylor Crosby, niece Collier and nephew Witt. Her whole life was spent spreading her contagious love and laughter from coast to coast. There is no one who knew her who did not love her, and the wild luminescence of her life will live on within our hearts. She battled fiercely against an aggressive cancer with remarkable hope, determination, and grace. Although the ultimate loss has been heartbreaking, the path she walked continues to be an inspiration to every life she touched. To the very end, she refused to be defined by the disease that took her; no words can fully convey the depth of beauty and the breadth of experience she shared while she walked amongst us.
So, you do what you can. You clean when you can. You re-set your altar. You make your prayers. You cook.You cry and you beat your pillow. You make fun of it all with your friends who get your dark, twisted humor. You write cards, and the things that you write make you cry. You become overwhelmed at the capacity for Love to come for you like this. Your sense of what is important shifts completely.You break down when you need to. You rise up when you can. You love yourself, even though you don't know yourself...not like this. You love the old you, the one who let petty, stupid shit consume her. You love the new you, who has a capacity for pain and a resilience that you never even knew was possible. You are proud and when you can, you stand tall. When you can't, you allow yourself the grace to crumple up and sleep.
-Kelli McConnell
Kelli’s first journal entry about her first chemo treatment:
February 5, 2020
I am three weeks into my five month chemo regimen. Currently, I am on an every-other-week rotation. So, I received an infusion on the 14th and on the 28th (last Tuesday) and I will go back again on the 11th of February for my third round of chemo.
Generally speaking, there are questions that I get asked more often than not. So, I will address those questions here and hopefully it will give you a sense of what this process has been like for me.
How do you feel?
Overall, I feel solid. I have a very strong constitution and I also have a strong will. Chemo is unpleasant to say the least. On the chemo treatment days they pump me full of steroids and other stuff to balance the chemo drugs, so it can feel disorienting and overwhelming to process all the different things in my system. After chemo, I feel hungry and energized (yay steroids!), so I usually go get a bite to eat and take a walk around the block. In the evening, I try to rest. But, the steroids make you feel like Wonder Woman, so this past time I colored and hung out with my mom until the wee hours.
As much as I can, I've been allowing myself take the time I need to process, to rest and to relax. I feel like the chemo works best when I am not resisting it or fighting it. It is a very potent medicine and I can feel it taking over my system. It is like my body is a highly tuned computer, and suddenly I have downloaded a new program. The more I can clear my mind and allow it to work, the smoother the processing. Meaning, when I can be in a meditative state of mind, with as little stress as possible that's when I feel the best. Thank goodness, I have a solid relationship with my Reiki practice, because that keeps me calm and tuned into my body. When I need to be proactive and tenacious, I am. When I need to curl into a ball and cry and feel all my feelings, I do that. I watch my needs and tend to myself in the ways that feel most appropriate at any given moment. I've been receiving acupuncture on the weeks I have chemo, which has been phenomenal.
What does it feel like?
Physically, the symptoms of the chemo have been bearable. It is certainly not pleasant. I have been experiencing some fatigue and lethargy in the first 5-6 days post-treatment. I haven't had a lot of nausea, more a churning feeling and indigestion. But when my blood sugar drops I feel like the world is going to end. I've had quite the appetite (thanks to the steroids that they've prescribed), although my food preferences and what I actually want to eat are dependent on my mood and can change on a dime. I am craving a lot of protein and foods that feel grounding.
I attribute hydration to being the most crucial component of me feeling as good as I can. I have a new Berkey water filtration system that is *literally* saving my life. I drink and drink and drink. I also have a Soda Stream bubble water maker that is helping me with some of the indigestion, heartburn and (the most annoying) belching that comes with chemo.
How are you sleeping?
My sleep has been pretty good, and my spirits are up. I wake up a few times in the night, because I'm drinking so much water...but, getting back to sleep isn't an issue. Thank God!!!
Are you able to work?
Once the first 5-6 days post-chemo have passed I begin to feel more and more like myself again. I count that as a huge blessing, that I can return to some semblance of normalcy. I've continued to work through this process. Thank goodness I can do most of my work remotely from home and the church where I work is hugely supportive of my need to take it easy.
How are your counts?
My blood levels are strong! I just had blood drawn today; my white counts are above average and I am maintaining strong counts across the board. Praise!!
What is it like losing your hair?
It sucks, but only because it's messy and weird - I actually don't mind not having hair. My hair began to fall out on Saturday the 1st of February. That was hard, emotionally. I felt like it sealed me in - up until then, I could "pass" as "normal" - after that I felt like I was locked into this identity of "cancer patient" - so psychologically that is a new experience to work through. But a very wise friend told me that when your hair falls out, that's how you know the chemo is working...that perspective really changed things for me. So, now I'm not in despair - I'm just grateful that the chemo is doing it's job.
Below you'll see some pictures chronicling my hair journey. I had a short transitional cut the week after my first treatment and then as the hair began falling out, I went even shorter. This weekend my family rallied around to help with the hair-loss transition by lint-rolling my scalp, which encourages the hair to fall out. I haven't had any scalp pain or tingling, and I think that's because I have been tenaciously and intentionally oiling my scalp with a nourishing blend of shea butter, almond oil, olive oil, castor oil, vitamin E, peppermint and lavender. It calms the follicles and nourishes the scalp.
I've been wearing a head wrap and playing with different earring combinations and new lipsticks, which is fun. I'm trying to be myself, to laugh and to enjoy life as much as I can while also allowing myself to have the feelings that I have, as they arise. It is difficult, ugly and unpleasant at times. I have mood swings and I drop into to despair. The pendulum swings. But, I come back to myself again and again, thanks to the tools I have established with my Reiki and prayer practices.
How long are your treatments?
On average, I am receiving chemo infusions for 5-6 hours every other Tuesday until February 25th. Then, I'll be having 4-hour treatments once a week for 12 weeks. My oncologist, Dr. Nikolinakos is a top-tier physician who came to Athens from MD Anderson. His office is conveniently located less than ten minutes from my home, so that alleviates a lot of stress and allows me to get to and from appointments with lots of ease.
Thank you for tuning into this update! As you can see, everything is about as well as it can be, all things considered. This is a life altering experience, with ups and downs but I am anchoring in with as much grace, faith and love as I can. Your support, prayers, loving thoughts and care are ferrying me along!!
Love,
Kelli